Many years ago, when I was dealing with major depression and severe anxiety at its peak, I would go to bed at nights hoping, and praying (yes, praying!), that I would not wake up the next morning. And I would wake up the next morning, disappointed and fearful, of having to confront another day. I was especially having a lot of work-related anxiety at the time. Those were the last few years of my employment at a telecom company that designs modem chips for cellular systems. Unlike the first few years of my work at that company, which seemed like a dream job, the final years were all but full of disappointment and lack of motivation. My anxiety was not because I did not know how to do my job, nor was it because I felt I was being treated unfairly. Even though I was much younger then, I already had my share of unfair treatments in life, especially after living for 28 years in Iran, where being treated unfairly is the norm, and you would be surprised if that were not the case. So, I was used to dealing with unfair treatments, and that would not bother me to the point of severe anxiety as I explained above.

The reason for that level of disappointment and anxiety was loss of meaning in my work. A couple of years earlier, we, as young and junior engineers, were caught in a fight between top level management over power and control. And although we knew that we were on the losing end of that fight, we were still kept being tasked with meaningless assignments which we knew were going nowhere. And then there was the project cancellation, which resulted in us becoming homeless engineers (as in not having a main/home project to work on, not literally), being sent from one project to another every few months. Most of those projects were small experiments, thought products of some ambitious engineers looking for shortcuts to expedite their ascent up the corporate ladder. The company had a program that allowed for people with such proposals to form small teams and experiment on their ideas. In most cases, everyone knew the project was a pointless effort, and its main goal was for someone to claim leadership experience and get promoted. For me at the time, working on such meaningless assignments was worse than the extreme alternative of not living at all. I know some will look down at that experience with condescension, and will say that it meant I was a very weak person. I won’t argue with the assertion that I was not, and still am not, a very strong person. But those who have struggled with major depression at some point in their lives will probably understand my state of mind at that time.

After several years of treatment and therapy, and having tried several tens of different medications and alternative treatments, and with the help of my psychiatrist and my therapist who did not give up on me over those many years, my mental health problems finally started responding to the medications and therapy, and I reached a point, about two years ago, that I was able to start a new position and enjoy my work again. But equally importantly to the medications and therapy, I had the help and support of my wife, Nazee, who patiently witnessed my ups and downs over more than a decade, and was always there to support me in any way she could. And I also had the help and support of our dogs. Those who never had pets might find this hard to believe, but it’s no exaggeration when I say that I owe my life to our older dog boy, Munchkin, who helped me through the darkest moments of my life at the peak of my depression.

Now, as I had mentioned in a previous post, our beloved dog boy and my best buddy, Munchkin, has gone completely blind due to metastasized carcinoma that is spread all over his body including the visual cortex in his brain. He does not have much natural life left. But worse than that, it is highly recommended to not wait for him to naturally die, and instead set him free of pain and suffering as soon as possible through a humane euthanasia. And that is one decision that I find myself absolutely unable to make. How can I do that? How can I take my best buddy, an innocent dog, who has given us so much love and affection over ten years, to a doctor’s office and ask them to end his life? I simply can not.

If you are still with me, I am sure you understand why I am now back to a point where I dread tomorrows. Because in one of those tomorrows, I have to make that decision, and that, not only breaks my heart, but also gives me extreme anxiety. To the extend that, again, I go to bed every night, hoping and praying that I won’t wake up the next morning. And I wake up every morning, disappointed and fearful, that this might be the day that I should make that fateful decision.